// Internet Duct Tape

Top 10 Resolutions That I Will Not Feel Bad About Not Keeping (2007 Edition)

Posted in Humor, Technology by engtech on January 02, 2007

Writing New Year’s Resolutions is very cathartic but a complete waste of time. It is good to take a moment to reflect on your life, especially with an eye to the detrimental or “weak” areas that need improving. But the act of writing down your resolutions gives you a false sense of accomplishment; most people never go beyond the step of creating a list.

You’re better off contributing to the Mayfly project with a summary of your year in 24 words or less.


(photo by t!nk)

I took a moment to look back a past lists I’ve made and to my chagrin I have a near zero percent success rate. Did I spend less time on the Internet, and more time on the phone? Do I spend more one-on-one time with friends? Did I learn another language? Have I moved to another city and bartended my way through Europe or Australia? I did manage to stop drinking so much, but any goal to be more “sporty/active/less nerdy” fell to the wayside.

So here are my Top 10 Resolutions That I Won’t Feel Bad About Not Keeping (2007 Edition)

  1. Learn a trendy programming language like Haskell where I would be the only one at the office who knows how to use it. Do all projects in this language to guarantee job security.
  2. Teach my cat to leave me alone when I’m in the bathroom. I don’t bug him in the litter box. Listen you co-dependent hairball, you can be away from me for more than a minute. Stop pretending you wouldn’t sell me into slavery for a quart of milk.
  3. Pick up an isolationist hobby that require lots of time sitting at a computer. Because I don’t do that enough.
  4. The only way to get over a vice is to indulge in it wholeheartedly. I plan on drinking 12 cups of coffee a day and giving up on sleep completely.
  5. Play another superhero RPG campaign and have a character whose power is to make other people spontaneously have bodily functions [1]. I would control both the vertical and the horizontal.
  6. Start reading Archie comics again. Did Betty and Veronica experiment in college? Inquiring minds want to know.
  7. Lose more money in the stock market. Get a cushy government job with unmonitored internet access for the pension.
  8. Help stop global warming by giving up showering and using toilet paper. Blog more with all the free time I’ll have from the shunning.
  9. Find an obscure sport no one has heard of. Memorize the rules. Claim to be a former pro-level player who had to quit because of an injury. Finally get over my “I wasn’t a jock in high school” complex.
  10. Make up wild lies about having illegitimate children. Put up their photos at work. Talk about how I’m trying to save up money to buy them back from slavery.
  11. Be more honest with the people in my life.
  12. Practice my remedial math skills.

Might as well finish it off with a couple of “real” resolutions:

  • Blog less; live more.
  • Monitor my weight using a simple tool like the Google 15.
  • Have more than one hobby so that I remain a well-rounded person.

[1] All bodily functions. Burping, sneezing, excrement, you get the picture. Note: my “superhero” usually ends up becoming the main villan.

12 Responses

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  1. A.J. Valliant said, on January 02, 2007 at 10:34 pm

    “Play another superhero RPG campaign and have a character whose power is to make other people spontaneously have bodily functions. I would control both the vertical and the horizontal. ”

    I cannot see him maintaining his hero status for long.
    Not that he had a great chance regardless of his powers.

  2. Hameed Khan said, on January 02, 2007 at 11:56 pm

    “Learn a trendy programming language like Haskell where I would be the only one at the office who knows how to use it. Do all projects in this language to guarantee job security.”

    hmm.. great idea! ;)

  3. engtech said, on January 03, 2007 at 12:00 am

    @AJ: I can just imagine all the world leaders wearing Depends 24/7 and giving in to my demands.

  4. Baby Jebus said, on January 03, 2007 at 12:15 am

    #4 is a goal worth reaching

  5. jhay said, on January 03, 2007 at 3:00 am

    Ah yes. Coffee…yum. ;)

  6. Bella Slasher said, on January 03, 2007 at 5:07 am

    ok a couple of things:

    1) I should probably add #2 to my list
    2) Your remedial math skills are putting mine to shame.
    3) I tried to make a list this year, but had an existential crisis on new year’s day instead. I figure that’s a good start.

    Happy new year!

  7. Lloyd Budd said, on January 04, 2007 at 2:33 am

    Fantastic! What every you do in 2007, do not stop blogging!

  8. jay said, on January 04, 2007 at 9:49 am

    Happy 2007, keep up the tops work!

  9. bringingtheruckus said, on January 05, 2007 at 12:29 am

    I like some of the tech/blogging predictions–can’t wait to see some of them come true….and I found you through the word press feature update comments about reasons to add CSS to your site. Thanks for the invite to check it out–and keep up the awesome work in ’07.

  10. Keith Knutsson said, on January 07, 2007 at 7:35 am

    Haha very humerous. I will have to post more stuff like this on my keith knutsson webpage. Thank you.

    Keith Knutsson

  11. timethief said, on January 07, 2007 at 8:10 am

    Extremely entertaining. You made me laugh at myself. :D

  12. John said, on May 10, 2007 at 8:29 am

    Yep, go with #4 only instead of coffee, coke (the kind you drink) will do the same thing.


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