Top 10 Resolutions That I Will Not Feel Bad About Not Keeping (2007 Edition)
Writing New Year’s Resolutions is very cathartic but a complete waste of time. It is good to take a moment to reflect on your life, especially with an eye to the detrimental or “weak” areas that need improving. But the act of writing down your resolutions gives you a false sense of accomplishment; most people never go beyond the step of creating a list.
You’re better off contributing to the Mayfly project with a summary of your year in 24 words or less.
(photo by t!nk)
I took a moment to look back a past lists I’ve made and to my chagrin I have a near zero percent success rate. Did I spend less time on the Internet, and more time on the phone? Do I spend more one-on-one time with friends? Did I learn another language? Have I moved to another city and bartended my way through Europe or Australia? I did manage to stop drinking so much, but any goal to be more “sporty/active/less nerdy” fell to the wayside.
So here are my Top 10 Resolutions That I Won’t Feel Bad About Not Keeping (2007 Edition)
- Learn a trendy programming language like Haskell where I would be the only one at the office who knows how to use it. Do all projects in this language to guarantee job security.
- Teach my cat to leave me alone when I’m in the bathroom. I don’t bug him in the litter box. Listen you co-dependent hairball, you can be away from me for more than a minute. Stop pretending you wouldn’t sell me into slavery for a quart of milk.
- Pick up an isolationist hobby that require lots of time sitting at a computer. Because I don’t do that enough.
- The only way to get over a vice is to indulge in it wholeheartedly. I plan on drinking 12 cups of coffee a day and giving up on sleep completely.
- Play another superhero RPG campaign and have a character whose power is to make other people spontaneously have bodily functions . I would control both the vertical and the horizontal.
- Start reading Archie comics again. Did Betty and Veronica experiment in college? Inquiring minds want to know.
- Lose more money in the stock market. Get a cushy government job with unmonitored internet access for the pension.
- Help stop global warming by giving up showering and using toilet paper. Blog more with all the free time I’ll have from the shunning.
- Find an obscure sport no one has heard of. Memorize the rules. Claim to be a former pro-level player who had to quit because of an injury. Finally get over my “I wasn’t a jock in high school” complex.
- Make up wild lies about having illegitimate children. Put up their photos at work. Talk about how I’m trying to save up money to buy them back from slavery.
- Be more honest with the people in my life.
- Practice my remedial math skills.
Might as well finish it off with a couple of “real” resolutions:
- Blog less; live more.
- Monitor my weight using a simple tool like the Google 15.
- Have more than one hobby so that I remain a well-rounded person.
 All bodily functions. Burping, sneezing, excrement, you get the picture. Note: my “superhero” usually ends up becoming the main villan.